I can't believe that just three weeks ago I was still pregnant and wishing very much to go into labor! I was truly in bad shape - unable to sleep or really function because of Braxton-Hicks contractions, itching and worrying. I didn't even want to form the words in my own mind, much less write them here but with cholestasis comes a heightened risk of still birth. With Jacob I had cholestatis, but I didn't know it until after the fact. This time I knew what could happen and my heart was just so heavy. On Monday morning, August 13th, we had an ultrasound and fetal non-stress test and were reassured that the baby was absolutely fine. I, on the other hand, was a complete wreck and it was at this point that they offered to induce me. Midwives don't take induction lightly and it wasn't strictly necessary - it was offered because I was sort of falling apart. After examining me, the Jana told me that she truly believed that labor was imminent. In fact, she said she would not be surprised if I went into labor that night. Will and I talked about it over lunch and decided that we would only induce if it was truly medically warranted, we were really encouraged because we felt like the end was in sight. We both actually returned to the office and finished out the work day. We got home and Will went to home group bible study with the specific intention of asking for continued prayers and I stayed home with Jacob. I had been feeling crampy with a back ache all day but nothing was coming consistently, so I resolved to be patient. It was about 6:45 pm when I began to feel sharper pains - I began watching the clock and sure enough they were spaced about 15 minutes apart. Well, we'd been down that road before, so I still was not firmly convinced that this was "it". I got Jacob fed and changed for bed and we sat down on the couch to watch A Wiggly Wiggly World. I don't really mind this movie normally but on this night it was really getting on my nerves, I just felt really irritable and couldn't get comfortable. After I'd had contractions for an hour I go ahead and call Will at bible study. Funny thing is that right when it was Will's turn to say his prayer requests his cell phone rang and it was me telling him to come home. So everyone at bible study wished him well and he came home.
Once he arrived home, he began to make calls and load up the car. I was desperate to get away from The Wiggles and just like a mama cat I wanted to be where it was dark and quiet, so I went into our room and Will brings me this pad of paper so I can write down how often the contractions are coming. Will would come in and check on me and ask if it was time to go yet. I just kept saying no, I didn't really have a set combination of factors in my head, I just felt like it wasn't time yet.
Eventually, a contraction came and I heard myself make a noise in response to it and I remembered that that was a vocalization I had made when I was in labor with Jacob. It isn't screaming or yelling or anything like you see on TV - just sort of a low "ooohhh" sound. When I heard myself make that sound I jumped up and ran to the door and said "OK, now it's time." Except that then Will took a shower. Then we drove to the cash machine. Then we drove to the BBQ place where we met Will's Mom so she could take Jacob for the night. THEN we drove the 30 miles to the hospital. On the way we listened to a compilation CD that was made for us (thanks Matt & Kim!) - sort of like the ultimate road trip tape.
We arrive at St. Luke's at 9:47 pm and it seemed like we walked down miles of corridor before we got to the elevator. They kept offering me a wheel chair but I felt like I wanted to walk around a bit after being in the car. Jana meets us in the room and it turns out I am 100% effaced and 4 centimeters dilated, so they put me on the monitor for 20 minutes and we decide that Will has plenty of time to go downstairs to call our parents and grab something to eat. Jana leaves to check on some lab work and I am alone with the nurse when my water breaks. Without the extra cushion of amniotic fluid I am suddenly feeling like the baby was really about to come soon. Jana comes back into the room and checks me and announces that I'm 8 centimeters dilated. They quickly call Will and tell him to get up there right away. Good thing he came upstairs quickly!
I'm pacing back and forth in the room and I ask Jana "Why are they [the contractions] coming so close together? I can't seem to get on top of them" and she says "Because you are in transition!" and I just can't get my head around how fast everything is happening. I'm still thinking But I haven't gotten into the whirl pool bath yet.. Where's the birthing ball? Where's the jam box so I can play my special music? All these things that I had planned and thought I would need and it is like my mind cannot seem to catch up with my my body. Suddenly I hear myself say "I need to push, she's coming NOW!" and they are all telling me to get on the bed but the bed is so high and it just seems like the most impossible thing and I'm convinced that I am going to have the baby on the floor. It takes all my concentration to not push and I get up on the bed. They are running around getting tables and lights and gloves and finally they are ready and I can stop not pushing and she is born and Will catches her and places her on my chest. And she is there in my arms looking at me, just calm and wise with this "Oh, there you are Mommy" look on her face. And STILL my head is not taking it in. It is 10:42 and she is born and I didn't really do anything except just let her be born.
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~RajneeshThe Monday afternoon that Anabel was born I was sitting at my desk at work listening to the CD that my friends made for me for birthing music and I just kept playing this one track by Steven Curtis Chapman over and over, here are the lyrics -
I watch you looking out across the raging water So sure your only hope lies on the other side You hear the enemy that's closing in around you And I know that you don't have the strength to fight But do you have the faith to stand and... Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you and I am for you So believe Me now I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion I know all the fears you're feeling now But do you remember who I am? I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure My words are true, and all My promises are sure So believe Me now Looking back, I think I've learned, or at least been given the opportunity to learn, something about the power of just being still. Psalms 46:10 says "Be Still and know that I am God" - by following the command, we reap the promise. Maybe it has it taken all of this to get me to a point where I can appreciate the strength of accepting and trusting and getting out of the way. Maybe Bella's birth story is a birth story for me as well.
Daddy's Girl... 
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